So I am going to go ahead and give a pre warning for this post…you may or may not cry…take a moment and get a tissue or don’t, your choice to continue reading… Your choice. But you have been officially warned.
Tonight. My four year old opened my eyes. And it wasn’t until even after that I realized how much my daily choices and time mean to her. Today, was actually a really good day we had lots of fun and giggles. But, my husband is on his 10th day gone with hopes of coming home tomorrow. When he is gone it has kind of become a normal dialogue between my four year old and I, when it comes to her missing her daddy. It goes a little like this…
“Mom…” “Yes, Dylann?” “Ummm I miss (insert any name but daddy)” I sigh a little “I am sorry sweetie.” I look at her and watch her eyes. I can see a certain sadness behind them that tells me who she is really missing. I haven’t figured out yet why she doesn’t really start off and say it’s her daddy who she is missing. That part I have pondered in my head a hundred times. Do I scare her being so “tough or strong”, is she putting on a front for me? Does she even understand what she is feeling? Or know how to communicate it? I mean she is four. These are the things I think about. Sometimes I will try to press a little deeper but I never want to push her but I try to comfort and let her know I am there. And sometimes she does actually say it. When this happens I try to be a little bit more sensitive because I know it took a lot for her to actually say who she was missing. And I have noticed more and more she is starting to just that.
When I laid her down for bed tonight she looks up at me and says “Mom, I miss daddy.” My response, “Awe, Sweetie I am sorry, I miss him too.” She seems to have accepted my answer and so we continue her bed time routine. By the time I get both girls to bed I am so ready to sit down and relax, and tonight I didn’t even have the chance to eat my own dinner yet. I needed a shower and get things ready for the next day. But, It was only about five minutes maybe ten I hear a little whimper from her bedroom. My heart just breaks. I walk in her room and say “You okay?” “I just really miss dad.” she starts to cry with tears streaming down her face and I am at a loss. Some nights when this happens especially on days when I am wearing really thin I admit, I will try to fix it real quick, repeat the conversation of I miss him too above and maybe mention you just need some sleep. And try to hurry it up cause I am exhausted and need so desperately to sit down for a moment. But tonight…the realization of her feelings hit me like a ton of bricks! She was really MISSING HER DADDY!!! So, I crawled into her bed and cuddled up next to her and I let her know that I was missing him too and that I would cuddle with her a little while. We looked at fun toys on my phone and talked about which ones we liked and ones that were just silly. After about thirty minutes I told her that I loved her and that there was a chance daddy could be coming home. (truth I wouldn’t just say that) I didn’t want to get her hopes up too much so I said we wont know until the morning for sure. But it was enough for her. I slipped out and within minutes she was asleep.
The realization of how caught up I can be sometimes with how tired I am, or how much I just need my moment to relax and unload. All these things are very valid cause it is a lot of work being two parents at the same time. And I too have the same feelings that this little girl is feeling. I miss her daddy. But I started to think about the future when she would understand a little more. What would she think about when she looked back. Maybe mom never understood how I was feeling or maybe she doesn’t want to hear what I have to say she doesn’t have the time. As a mom this thought mortified me and I realized I want her memories to be more like what happened tonight. When she looks back I want her to think when I am having a hard day no matter what my mom is doing or feeling she will put it aside, cuddle up next to me, make me smile, laugh and be there because that is what she has always done. So, from tonight on I am going to work hard I mean real hard on being that mom. Because this realization has hit me so hard. That’s who I was designed to be for my little girls no matter the cost I will lay my life down just to make her feel joy and love.