The First Night

Some things I have accepted that will never become normal when being married to a firefighter. I’ve talked a lot about them on here. The pros and cons of the fire family. Some things are easy to handle and be strong but there’s just always something about that first night.

Full on Insomnia mode almost every time. His first day on shift it’s the adjustment game. But as soon as my head hits that pillow my mind awakens and the very real reality sets in. The comfort of him next to me, the peaceful sleep, knowing he is there to protect his family, is gone. IT IS NOW ALL ON ME. In all honesty I have had nights where I have made action plans if A, B or C happens then this is how I will respond. The full on mental checklist starts with is every door and window locked. The alarm is for sure set. Then I double maybe even triple check it like some paranoid person. I all of sudden have super hearing powers and I hear every single noise. It’s frustrating.

Sometimes this carries on throughout his whole 72 hour shift. But for the most part it seems to be that first night. The next two nights seem to be better like I readjusted and I let go a little more. My mind isn’t on overdrive and sleep graces me with it’s presence. I become a more pleasant person to be around since I am not sleep deprived. And by the last day I am back to being super mom who has her act together. Those lonely nights apart make me so grateful for the days when he comes home. With his job and life full of dangers that’s never a guarantee. I sleep like a baby that first night he is back. But then his shift starts again and we are back to square one. The haunting of the first night.

There are the rare times when I have it together and am able to sleep just fine. I love these times. I wish I could make every shift like this. But it’s not the reality of a fire wife. Or at least this fire wife. Here’s to all you ladies who may be struggling with this first night problem. I pray you get some rest and have peace that surpasses your understanding. And may your coffee be strong.

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