Merry-Go-Round

This year has been the biggest oxymoron. 2020=perfect vision but quite exactly the opposite. This blog has been pushed to the back burner, again, as I feel like I am running this marathon where the finish line seems to not exist. Like the GPS saying “re-routing” every time I take a turn. A brand new curve ball in this fire life that none of us were prepared for. The only stability we had shaken.

The best way to explain how it’s been for me is like standing still on a spinning merry-go-round. Like all these glimpses of life passing by before fully understanding what I just saw a moment before. I have struggled and I have excelled through this year. But one thing for certain is I didn’t see it coming. And that perfect vision of what this year was supposed to look like got crumpled up and tossed like a paper in the waste basket. Planning to un-plan and then replan again. Change the way we do this, or that, to change it back and adjust again.

With that said I never stopped trudging through the mud with this now blurred vision of 2020. Not sure what the year was going to look like. I have been learning a most powerful thing that comes when you stop and take more then just a fleeting glimpse. I have learned through hard moments the power of prayer, of breathing, remaining thankful, and of sacrifice on a whole new level. Learning to give myself the permission to step back on days I need to and to take care of me. By doing so, it allowed me to better take care of my home front. Not beating myself up when things didn’t go according to plan. And truly learning to give myself grace. That’s what has hit me the hardest. I am still learning. Learning to change the narrative of self talk. That if this merry-go-round ever stops spinning, my vision clears, and I go to take that first step I need to do so without falling. I need to be able to stand without wavering and take each step without falling. To step with confidence. But, also knowing if I do fall how to pick myself up again. To be intentional and careful with how I treat myself. Guarding my heart and mind. Pausing to be mindful of where I am right now. Understanding a whole new level of how to take care of my fire family includes taking care of me too.

2020 may have taken the vision of the future away. The outside of the merry-go-round that was blurry and not full of hope. But it has given the clarity of vision of the present. When I stopped looking at everything out there spinning out of control and began looking closer to what was nearest me. Things started to clear, I could see me, even though the merry-go-round was still spinning. The lenses adjusting. Focusing within and stepping out with a new vision of the power of the present is where I know this year was what was meant to be.

Take time for you, take time to be present, and take time to breathe and refocus on the things you can control, not the things you can’t. To be mindful of your self talk and allow it to build you up not knock you down. Give yourself permission to get off the merry-go-round, let go of fear and walk in who you were called to be.

Published by confessionsofafirefighterwife

Firefighter wife, mama, and Christian. Sharing the struggles, blessings, good, bad and everything in between.

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